A light in the dark

Day 2
Today I am thankful for Nigel and Judy Willson. They are the YSA adult leaders in my ward, and they work so hard to make sure that the YSA population is taken care of. We had a game night last night, in which they had put together some Minute to Win It games, and a delicious curry. We had a small group, but we had a lot of fun. I am thankful to them for taking the time out of their lives to support us. They are the best!





Day 3
I am very thankful today for Fast and Testimony meeting. Hearing the testimonies and feeling the Spirit can be difficult when you're with 3 little boys, but there are times when the Spirit reaches out to you through the noise. Today's theme (to me) was centered on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and making it a part of your daily life. I know that my Savior lived and died for me, and that He took all of my burdens and sins upon himself, but I don't know that I reflect on this and appreciate it daily like I should. Lately I've been feeling a little lost spiritually, and I feel like today was the light in the darkness, pointing me to where I need to go to get back on the right path. I am thankful for the testimonies that were shared today, and for the thoughts and feelings they stirred within me.

Just beeee yourself!

Welcome to November! There are a lot of traditions that people have in November: some people enjoy playing in the leaves and drinking hot cocoa. Some begin eating soup multiple nights a week. Others stop shaving in support of "No Shave November." I like personally like shaving, so I'll stick to my smooth legs and just give you a blog full of THANKS everyday this month. I realize that I haven't updated my blog since May, and a lot has happened since then, but my focus this month is going to be on giving thanks. Perhaps along the way I'll find time to update on where I am in life and the journey I took to get here.

Day 1
Today I am thankful for a particular person, who will probably never read this post. I work with a wonderful woman named Rachel. Since the first day I walked into ERMS she has been there to answer my questions. She never seemed annoyed when I would come in multiple times a day to ask seemingly Captain Obvious questions. There were times at first that I would struggle with the way she would answer my questions by asking me a question, but I see now how it helped me to learn and to grow.
Rachel has always been herself when we've talked, and she has been a great cheerleader for me being myself. There were times when I was so worried about what I was doing, should be doing, forgot to do and everything else and Rachel would remind me to take time for myself. So many days as she would leave she would say to me, "You're worth it!" At fist I would smile politely and wonder what it was supposed to mean, but I think I'm starting to finally get it.
Rachel and I have had some good talks and have shared parts of ourselves. From her I am learning how important it is to be me and to believe in me, especially as a teacher. Rachel is such a good cheerleader, and I am grateful that I have her as a friend and coworker. I know that God puts specific people in my path at each stage of my journey, and I know that Rachel is one of those people.

Are you ready?

  Recently I've started watching a series called "Ready for Love." Basically, it's NBC's version of "The Bachelor," but it's three men, twelve women each, and I think it's a lot cleaner. I am not a regular "Bachelor" viewer, so I can't be sure on that one. What I like about the show is that there are matchmakers involved. These three "professionals" coach the ladies each week: they give helpful tips for the women to try on the date, and after watching the footage of the date, they ask questions and give feedback. I think this is a perfect set up! Ideas for how to let your man know that you're into him, as well as how to open up more to him and let him see who you really are. The encouragement and feedback after the date is most helpful, at least I think it would be. Just think-you're pretty much in a safe zone, the guy can't hear you, and you get to find out what you did right or wrong and then you can work on it. Who doesn't want to be a better dater, and thus, a better catch?
  A few weeks ago I did something that goes against everything I've ever thought about dating: I joined a dating website. (Insert audible gasp here.) I'm still not entirely sold on the idea, but I'm trying it out for 6 months (the length of my membership). It was a little slow going at first. I would look at tons of profiles, but not many men were looking at my profile. It eventually picked up, to the point that I averaged 1 view per day. I sent messages to a few guys in hopes that a spark might ignite. Finally, after what felt like forever, someone sent me a message! It was out of the blue, and not someone I had previously "viewed." He said all the right things (he had me at, "May the odds be ever in your favor...") and seemed like a really genuine, down to earth guy. After about a week of exchanging messages, he asked me out. Wahoo! I real date! I was so nervous and excited, but I said yes. Fast forward through the buying of a new outfit and getting mixed up about where we were meeting, and stop at the date. I had a good time. Conversation was easy and never lagging, and I realized some interesting things about myself. This guy really has it all together, and most importantly, he was the same offline as he was online: genuine and pretty much down to earth. I had a good time, though the evening ended faster than I thought it would. There was no "we should do this again," or "can I have your number," so I figured that was the end of that. It felt good to get this date under my belt, and realize that I don't need to be afraid of dating. Imagine my surprise a few hours later when I got a message from this guy stating that he had a good time, and offered his number if I was interested in going out again. Color me giddy!
  Fast forward again. I had been exchanging text messages with this guy, and he asked me out again. I had mixed feelings about this, as I wasn't sure if I was really feeling this. We did go out again, and I made an effort to get to know more about him. Once again, conversation was easy, but I felt like it was really surface. I tried to dig deeper, but I just got more top soil material. I really wanted to find that deep clay. At the end of the date I got a hug, but again, no offer of a next time. A few days later I got a phone call and we talked for a little bit. The conversation ended with "talk to you later," and that is the last I have heard from this guy. It has been about a week and a half of silence. I have sent a couple of messages, but no response. Either he's really not interested, or something big happened in his life. I just wish that I knew which it was.
  Never fear, I've stayed active on the dating site. I've sent messages, viewed profiles, and tried to keep it light and interesting. I send messages to guys who seem like they may be my type, and they look at my profile, but never message me back. I'm left wondering, what am I lacking? What is it about me that is not interesting these men? This takes me back to where I started-I wish that I had a matchmaker to let me know what I'm doing right, and what I'm doing wrong. I also want to talk to "may the odds..." guy.
Me:  "Hey (Odds) I get that you're not interested, and that's cool, but I have a couple of questions. What did you like about me? What didn't you like? What can I do to be more appealing to men in the future? What suggestions for improvement do you have?
Odds: "Um, well..."

To clarify, I won't actually do this. But I wish that I could! It would be even better if I had the matchmakers following me around and giving me advice in real-time. Men are a confusing species. They say that girls are hard to figure out, but really, it's them! Someday I'll maybe figure it out, but until then I'll play matchmaker/coach for myself. And just like they ask at the end of every episode, I'll ask myself, "Are you ready for love?"
  To end, I'll share with you lyrics that state best where I am in life right now. :)

Matchmaker by Fiddler on the Roof Cast
Hodel:
Well, somebody has to arrange the matches,


Chava:
She might bring someone wonderful----

Hodel:
Someone interesting----

Chava:
And well off----

Hodel:
And important---

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match

Chava:
Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
I'll bring the veil,
You bring the groom,
Slender and pale.
Bring me a ring for I'm longing to be,
The envy of all I see.

Hodel:
For Papa,
Make him a scholar.

Chava:
For mama,
Make him rich as a king.

Chava and Hodel:
For me, well,
I wouldn't holler
If he were as handsome as anything.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
Catch me a catch,
Night after night in the dark I'm alone
So find me match,
Of my own.

(spoken)

Tzeitel:
Since when are you in a match, Chava? I thought you just had your eye on your books.

(Hodel chuckles)

Tzeitel con't:
And you have your eye on the Rabbi's son.

Hodel:
Well, why not?
We only have one Rabbi and he only has one son.
Why shouldn't I want the best?

Tzeitel:
Because you're a girl from a poor family.
So whatever Yenta brings, you'll take, right?
Of course right!

(throws scarf over her head, imitating Yenta)
(singing)

Hodel, oh Hodel,
Have I made a match for you!
He's handsome, he's young!
Alright, he's 62.
But he's a nice man, a good catch, true?
True.

I promise you'll be happy,
And even if you're not,
There's more to life than that---
Don't ask me what.

Chava, I found him.
Won't you be a lucky bride!
He's handsome, he's tall,
That is from side to side.
But he's a nice man, a good catch, right?
Right.

Reasons to Celebrate

Well, it happened. I graduated! Finally! Woot! Woot! Student teaching was amazing. I loved me cooperating teacher, Patti. She taught me so much! I will forever be in her debt. I was given a baptism by fire when I entered her classroom. We had a constant referral load of 7 from the week I got there until the day I left. During this time we held numerous IEPs and got kids through the process, but we still kept getting more and more referrals. It was a good chance for me to really see how to process works from start to finish. I had the opportunity to conduct several IEPs, as well as writing the goals.
I love my students so much! We taught K-2, and just like every other SpEd room, their abilities had a wide range. They kept me on my toes and I had the opportunity to learn how to really differentiate my instruction to best suit all students. They were the sweetest students a teacher can ask for. Some of my favorite memories:
*Constantly being caught by surprise and scared when they would hide and jump out at me.
*Students fighting over who got to sit in my seat so they could steal my brain power, then me having to get out my brain sucker to get it back from them.
*My first graders reading their words so well that they would "blow" me away and I would fall down (they loved that!)
*Learning how to survive my first grade tsunami
*Helping students feed their sight words to the shark
*Hugs and being told I was the best teacher ever
*Seeing the progress that students made through the data I collected
*All of the laughing and smiling with my students

I was so blessed to have the best student teaching experience ever. I can't praise Patti or my students enough. I have to share with you the very best, tops-all, capstone experience of my student teaching. The day before my graduation Patti had worked hard to make the day special, even if she wasn't there to celebrate it with me. I got to school to find a nice sign on the door congratulating me on my graduation. That afternoon, after Patti got back to school, we worked on various projects around the classroom. As I was teaching my Kindergarten class Patti got really anxious for me to finish. We were taking a few extra minutes for a Friday Fun activity, but I didn't think there was that much of a rush. Two different times Patti asked how much longer I would be, and said she really needed me to take a testing book to another teacher. I rushed the kiddos through their project, got them to class, and rushed the book to the other teacher. While I was talking to that teacher one of the paras came in and said that I was needed in the Speech teacher's room. I rushed over there only to find the door shut and the lights off. I opened the door and the lights flipped on, and a chorus of 30 little voices shouting "SURPRISE!" greeted me. Suddenly I was swarmed by all of these little kids trying to hug me at the same time. It brought tears to my eyes. I love those kids! Patti got them all to give me some space by telling them that we would have cookies and punch while I opened my present. Inside the bag were the cutest notes and gifts:
*Flip-flops, "We flipped over having you here!"
*Calculator, "We calculate you will be a total success in all you do!"
*Whoppers, "You've been a whopper of a great teacher"
*Extra (gum), "You are extra special!"
*King size Reese's, "A king-size hug to you from us!"
*Post-it notes, "A note of appreciation"
*Whistle, "Thanks for the company at all the receeses!"
*#1 Teacher key chain, "You are and will be a #1 teacher!"
*A card signed by all of my students
*A beautiful vase of flowers
It was one of the best moments of my life. I was sick on graduation day and barely made it through the ceremony, but this little party was the best! I am the luckiest girl!
Now I am in the process of looking for my dream job. I love elementary aged kids, and that is where I want to be. Finding a position in this setting is proving to be a little difficult. There are plenty of secondary positions available, but not many elementary. I have had one interview, so we'll see what happens. Here's to moving on to the next dream!

"Grandma Bunny"

  My Gramma Ida had many fun things that she did for her grandchildren: every Halloween she would make us goodie bags filled with a half-can of soda, moon pies, usually a banana, and some candy. On Valentine's Day we would get a Valentine-themed goodie bag, and the same went for Easter. On the Easter basket she would write "Love, Grandma Bunny." One of my favorite parts of that Easter basket was the gum eggs. Man, I loved those things!
  Gramma Ida was always out and about, visiting and loving life. She had a way of brightening up a room. She was one of my favorite people in the entire world. I remember the day that I realized she was going to die: It was Easter morning. We had gotten a call the night before letting us know that she had suffered a massive stoke, and the prognosis wasn't good. My Mom rushed to the hospital that night, so on Eastern morning it was just me, Dad, and Jason. When I woke up that morning I knew that I was going to lose my Gramma, and I was mad. Easter is supposed to be about new life, and finding life where once it had been gone. So why was I getting the exact opposite? That Easter didn't feel like mush of a holiday. We went to church, and after went to the hospital. It was so hard to see my Gramma there, unable to communicate. I remember holding her hand and telling her that I loved her, and she squeezed my hand so hard to let me know that she loved me, too. It would be a few more days until she actually passed, and they would be some very hard and dark days for me.
  The week that my Gramma passed was a very busy week. I would go to school during the day, rush to her house to spend time with my family, then rush back to the school to help decorate for prom. One night it was just too much for me. I remember crying and telling my Dad that I didn't know what to do. I felt like I should be spending all of my time at Gramma's house with the family, but I also felt obligated to help with prom. On top of that, I didn't understand why Gramma had to die. My Dad is such a good listener, and like a good dad, knows just what to say. He told me that Gramma would want me to keep doing the things that I was doing, and not just sit around and be sad. He said that I was doing the right things, and that everything would be ok. I was still so sad, but felt a little better.
  That night as I got on my knees to pray, I found myself telling God what I really felt about everything for the first time. I cried and told Him that I didn't understand why He was taking my Gramma, and that it wasn't fair. I begged Him to let her stay, and let her be ok. In the anguish of my soul I felt a sense of peace come over me. I knew that though Gramma was going to pass, that it was going to be ok. I felt the joy and excitement of her being reunited with her Savior. In that moment my Savior carried all of the grief and pain that I had been carrying on my own. I came to understand what Easter really is about: life, where once life had been lost. Because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ we know that this is not the end, and that there is life after this. We will all have the chance to be resurrected and live with Him again. I felt all of these things so surely in my heart, and I just knew that everything was going to work out. I felt my Savior's love for me, my family, and especially for my Gramma.
  The next afternoon I was at my Gramma's house for my usual afternoon visit. While I was there my Gramma slipped from this life into the next. In that moment I should have been devastated, but I literally felt lifted and supported, and a remembrance of all that I had felt and learned the night before rushed back into my mind. I knew that my Gramma was with her Savior, and that while we would miss her here on earth, we would be with her again. That didn't stop me from crying then, or now, but it's a reassurance that I cling to, to this day.
  That Easter was a hard one for me, and I have to admit that since then Easter has not been the same, at least for me. It was a few years before I would really enjoy Easter celebrations again, but now I do. It's still hard when Easter rolls around-I will always associate it with my Gramma's passing, though the days aren't always right. But even more so, I associate Easter with when I came to a sure knowledge of the life, death, resurrection, and renewed life of my Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him, all things are possible.
  I think about my Gramma Ida often, and the things that she taught me. I am so thankful for the lesson that I learned from her death. I am so thankful for the knowledge that I have that her death was not the end, and that I will see her again someday. I know that as an absolute truth. Our Father in Heaven loves us, and He has a plan for us to be able to live with Him and those we love eternally. If you have any questions about that plan, feel free to ask me. I love to answer questions! You can also find out more at: www.mormon.org

 

Mi Familia

   I've said it before, and I'll say it a millions times over, my life is a series of fortunate events. The most fortunate of those events is the family that I was born into. I love my family more than I could ever describe. I am especially blessed to have had the grandparents that I had. Both sets lived within 2 blocks of each other, in the same town we lived in. Holidays were great! We could bounce between both houses with no problems!
  Tonight I want to focus some attention on my Medina grandparents, Grampa Ernie and Gramma Ida. I know you wouldn't believe it to look at me, but I am half Hispanic. I grew up eating fresh tortillas and tamales, pisole with chili colorado, and plenty of other delicious foods, made by my Gramma or my Mom. I often listened as my grandparents would converse with their family and friends in Spanish, completely oblivious to what was being said. When I was in pre-school I learned the months of the year in Spanish. My Grampa loved to show off my talent, and when he had a friend over would say "Come here, mi hijita and sing your song for my friend." I was never so proud as I sat on his knee and sang my little heart out. Once my Gramma was giving me a good talking-to in Spanish, and I was so mad that I gathered up my nerve to yell back at her, in Spanish. "TORTILLA!" I yelled, putting all my heart into it. I'm pretty sure that got me out of trouble...at least that time!
  I have so many found memories of my grandparents. I loved listening to them talk, and the way my name sounded with their Spanish accents. I loved the feeling of family and togetherness that came from them. My grandparents taught me what it meant to work, and to work hard. Some of my happiest memories come from them, along with some of my saddest. I lost both of my grandparents pretty early in my life-I was in 3rd grade when my grandpa passed, and in 11th grade when my grandma passed.
  It's been a long time since I've heard those soft Spanish accents, and the way my name sounds with them. It's been a long time since I've felt all of those feelings associated with that side of the family. A couple of weeks ago my Gramma's brother and his wife stopped by our house to visit. It was so nice to spend a couple of hours with them, reliving the past and feeling those fond memories. I am forever grateful for my Spanish side, and the wonderful memories that come from it.

And thus it begins...

January has been a roller coaster of a month! I began my student teaching, and I am loving it! I've never been so happy, stressed, overwhelmed, fulfilled, and tired in my entire life. I got to observe for the first two weeks, and now I am teaching. I love my students! They make me want to bang my head against a wall one minute, and the next they're giving me a hug and all is forgotten.
At my first faculty meeting I was introduced and told that part of the initiation process all newcomers had to sing the high school fight song. So I did. Half of the teachers stared at me like the were embarrassed for me. A few were making motions for me to stop and mouthing that I didn't have to. The rest looked at me as if they were sizing me up, trying to decide if I'm really as awesome as I look. (The answer, or course, is YES!) Later the principal came to me and told me that he had only been joking about singing. I wasn't sure how to tell him that I had been kidding too... Now when I get introduced to someone it's usually followed by "You're the one who sang!" Looks like maybe I did start off on the right foot!
I have learned so much the past few weeks. Every now and then my cooperating teacher asks me if I'm sure that this is really what I want to do. We spend every spare moment testing students, sorting referrals, gathering data, teaching small (and large!) groups, dealing with problem behaviors, and loving students. Am I sure this is what I want to do? Yes. Even when I get my 1st grade tsunami every afternoon, I still want to do this. I love teaching! I love learning! I love what I do!